I hate fighting. Fighting is stupid, ridiculous, pathetic, immature, and it’s something we all do. It seems silly really, but in that moment, in the clenches of a fight, whatever the issue is seems monstrous, insurmountable, or unattainable. Suddenly there is this atrocious mountain of problems shattering what seemed like a perfect relationship just moments before. I personally find fights overwhelming, exhausting, and pointless (I mean who really listens during a fight?).
BUT what I hate the most about fighting is the sexual aftermath incurred. Now, I know, make up sex can be utterly amazing, but the truth is, unless the issues have been resolved it’s just a cover up, a band aid if you will - the wounds are still there and even if resolution is made and they will remain there for some time. These little wounds have a way of fostering and growing back into anger and a full-fledged fight, once again (it’s so hard to resist bringing up old issues!). These little wounds create rifts within the relationship (and thus sex as well). For example, if one party feels that the other has unrealistic expectations, or doesn’t stop to listen, or is never “in the mood”, but the second party feels as if he or she is being reasonable and attentive and sexual there is an automatic conflict between the two (and under the right circumstances, an all-out war!). Even after the fight is over, if the underlying feelings have not been dealt with, there will be inevitable damage to the sexual relationship. In this example, party one may feel like he/she must always exceed the other’s expectations (in order to maintain the peace), make effort to listen, and at least pretend to be “in the mood” more often. Now if this happens, there is at least potential for long term reconciliation. However, if party one is doing these things solely to pacify party two, then feelings of resentment begin to brew right alongside those old wounds (remember. . . our pesky old wounds resurface into the same fights repeated). In this scenario, the impact on sex would be significant. There would be distrust, resentment, feelings of obligation, disinterest and many other damaging, fight-brewing, feelings. The truth is everything we say and do influences our significant other in some way . . . a kiss on the neck brings a far different response than a snappy or passive-aggressive comment.
So, all that said – I’m a terrible fighter. Ok, for the sake of honesty, I'll say I'm not only a terrible fighter. . . I can be a fucking bitch ass cunt! Yes, I really said that! I am willing to admit that sometime "cunt" just doesn't do me justice! I refuse to talk about my emotions and I clam up. But then, when I get really angry, it all comes spilling out in the worst ways imaginable. It’s horrible and I’m working on it but in the middle of a fight, it seems like stepping out and trusting my fragile emotions (and baby communication skills!) is too risky. I feel vulnerable in a way I don't know how to deal with. But in truth, by doing this, I just makes things worse. . .
Now, I’ve bared my biggest weakness. . . you have yours – Consider it – what relationships does it affect? How deeply? Is it worth it to you to continue your current behavior? If so, why? And if not, what can you do about it?
One of my favorite things to remember when I’m angry, sad, overwhelmed, irrational, or just plain bitch ass cunt :) is this quote by Charles Swindoll:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes
