Saturday, January 29, 2011

Which came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.  The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.  The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
 ~Author Unknown

After I wrote my last blog on the beginning of my sexual history, it really got me thinking about my entire history. . . the truth is it began before I can remember - it does for all of us.  My first vivid memory was very young - the neighbor boy kissed my cheek during a game of hide and seek. :)

As a mother, I have delt with so many uncomfortable sexual situations from questions about body parts to masturbation to "where do babies come from" and periods to "Why does so and so have 3 mommies". . . but today was a first for me - the question of boy/girl sleepovers (under age 10).  I am a complete realist and I know that even kids who are just friends play the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" game, if not more.  However, realism doesn't equate to easy decision making!  My question is, does it really matter what gender sleepovers are?  Does sexual experimentation take place regardless? Which came first, experimentation with friends or lovers?  

Think about your first sexual experience (whatever that means to you. . . ), try to remember how you felt, what you were thinking, how you felt afterward . . . What was the impact of this experience on your long term sexuality?

These questions seem simple but in truth it is someone akin to the old adage about the chicken and the egg. . . Which came first?  It is inevitably impossible to know for certain the impact of any experience on one's perception of sex and sexuality . . . the answer to the question is perpetually evasive.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I’ve come a long way to get here. . . Part One: Learning to Lust

It has taken me a couple of days to get up the nerve to write a personal story.  Today is the day I begin opening up and challenge myself to be comfortable in my own sexuality.  However uncomfortable or scary this may be for me, I find it to be unavoidable.  I am seeking a PhD. In human sexuality – I’d fucking better be ecstatic about who I am; I’d better be able to give advice that I have taken; I’d better not be a hypocrite.  So, thus begins my public journey through my sexual past. . . 

Throughout my years growing up I remember learning about sexuality from my peers, family, school (Christian), and church.  By the time I was 12 I remember feeling guilty for masturbating . . . not that it stopped me, I just felt bad for doing it.  I had committed myself to a pledge of purity – which I fully believed was the best way to approach my future marriage and sex life.  For the next few years my hairbrush, pillow, and I continued our ménage trios until I had my first real boyfriend.  It was here, at 15 that I first learned about something I hadn’t counted on – desire.  There was something so natural and primal about passionately kissing and groping that I found myself beginning to question what I had been taught about sex, love, and STD’s.  After months of lust, I succumbed and stumbled my way into womanhood. :)  I still have to stop and giggle at how ridiculously awkward virgin sex is . . . I must say, not exactly the wedding night sex I had always dreamed about.  I loved sex.  It was fantastic and fun, exhilarating and calming, carnal and intimate but more than anything, it felt natural.  This feeling shocked me.  After learning what I thought was “all about” sex, it had never even occurred to me that premarital sex could feel natural.  

Several years go by as I deliberate the topic of my sexuality.  I had several more boyfriends and dozens of flirtations but stuck fast by the side of my trusty hairbrush.  It was at this crossroad that I met the man who would one day be my husband.  We had tons of crazy, wild, backseat sex.  Sparks flew and nothing could stop them . . . well, that is after I accidentally started dating him.  We had dated and broken up but I felt so sorry for the guy that I continued to hang out with him.  As we all know, mixing teenage hormones with love triangles is always a recipe for sex.  After his best friend and I went out and I was propositioned for oral sex (which of course, the good girl I was, I turned down), the intensity of his pursuit of me increased.  We had a fantastic sex life . . . I was utterly content to be vanilla and had no idea there were any other options available.  After several months of sex I found myself just out of high school and knocked up.  After a whirlwind 9 months I was a mother and a wife . . . and just 18.  As I matured into adulthood and became more sexually experienced (and birthed 2 more children), I began to learn and fantasize about more intense things.  I wanted to have sex with a girl.  I wanted to watch my husband have sex with someone else.  I wanted to try out different men.  I wanted to know what it felt like to be gang banged by black men or tied up and assaulted by a dominatrix.   I was ready to explore and curious.  Eventually (and with ridiculous amounts of drama), my husband brought a girl home from work.  I don’t think I have drunk so much any other day in my life!  I was so nervous and excited and angry and turned on . . . ok, ok, I was just really confused!  Then, she kissed me.  It was almost like the world stopped spinning for a few moments.  She was so soft.  She smelled perfect.  It seemed to me as if a whole new world of sexual possibilities had been unearthed and I couldn’t wait to explore them.  We spent only a couple of months together, sneaking away to fuck, both too embarrassed to admit to our bisexuality in real life but too passionate for each other to stay apart.  She moved suddenly.  Our goodbye was absurdly emotional and difficult but filled with some of the most amazing sex I have ever experienced.  I still feel a twinge of sadness and a lump in my throat when I talk about her.  She changed me forever but I will never be able to tell her that.  Because of her I am open to new experiences and I began learning to give fantasies a try, even when they make me anxious.  It was at this juncture that everything in my life began to change, or I felt – unravel.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Words We Use

Today has been a sensationally hectic, interesting, emotional day.  I’m exhausted and ready for some time with Carl but I couldn’t wait to stop by and discuss a bit from the day.  I have a fantastic question to pose for you . . . I’ll be back tomorrow when my brain isn’t so exhausted to write up my opinion.  

Human sexuality is such an intricate topic that ranges from clear cut sciences (like biology and archeology) to topics much more ambiguous and obscure (like the analysis of the Old Testament story of Onan), but I suppose that is exactly why I find it to be such an utterly fascinating subject.  I suppose my topic today is somewhat vague in nature and completely subject to personal opinion and interpretation as well . . . that said, before I truly delve in, I will make this one time disclaimer – I use offensive, adult language in this blog and will occasionally post photos that could be considered inappropriate or pornographic.

So, let’s take a second to consider the words that we use in relation to sex and our bodies. . . penis, peter, wiener, dick, cock, third leg, beaver basher, dork, dong, vagina, kitty, beaver, cunt, twat, pussy, snach, taco, fuck, screw, bang, boink, smash, sex, making love, getting off, jacking off, choking the chicken . . . Now comes the real kicker, are these words positive or negative?  Do they sound enticing and provocative?  No, they don’t.  They sound nasty, mean and abusive.  I have to stop here to say that I get wet just typing those three words next to each other, “nasty, mean, and abusive,” so I am well aware that sounding that way can be a good thing.  However, in consideration of sexuality as a whole it seems to me that the question does need asking. . . 

Why is it that in all cultures and languages the worst, most offensive words have to do with sex?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Let's Start at the Very Beginning. . .

I feel that I must do an introductory post of sorts considering the odd nature of this blog and my life in general.  I am studying psychology with the goal of graduating with my doctorate in human sexuality.  I hope to begin my own practice as a sex therapist while teaching university students.  I have decided to document my journey through school by use of this forum to delve into my thoughts, studies, and personal experiences in an intimate and transparent way.  Perhaps this blog will serve only to help me learn more about myself or even better to learn and grow in my marriage but I do have hope that this blog can also incite thought and a desire for knowledge. 

All that said, I am extremely open-minded, frank, and sexually active so I will discuss controversial and uncomfortable subjects! :)  But. . . since you are here and reading this, whether you are intrigued, horrified, or excited, you likely have an interest in sex and sexuality.  So, open your mind, look past what you think you know or like and enjoy delving into the mind boggling, multifaceted topic of human sexuality.